By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
INT. TRAIN STATION NOT IN THE MATIRX
KEANU stands up to find a group of SYMBOLIC FIGURES.
KEANU REEVES
Whoa.
YOUNGEST PIECE OF SYMBOLISM
Hi. My name is Sati-80271. Your name
is Keanu Reeves. My papa says you're
that moron from Bill and Ted, are
you?
KEANU REEVES
What? No, that was Alex Winter.
Stupid kid..
ADULT MALE PIECE OF SYMBOLISM
Hi Keanu. My wife and I are programs
from the machine world, responsible
for various tasks in the land of the
machines. We somehow managed to have
a daugher and now we're using this
conduit to take her into the matrix
where she will be safe. You are here
because you are partially tied to
the matrix even though you're not
plugged in.
KEANU REEVES
Fuck!
ADULT MALE PIECE OF SYMBOLISM
What's wrong?
KEANU REEVES
I was really hoping this movie was
going to make more sense than
Reloaded. Dammit!
ADULT FEMALE PIECE OF SYMBOLISM
WhatAreYouDoingHere.
YouDoNotBelongHere.
ADULT MALE PIECE OF SYMBOLISM
Ha ha, I apologize for my wife,
she's a terrible actress. More
wooden than you, even.
Meanwhile..
INT. RAVER CLUB ACTUALLY IN THE MATRIX
SING NGAI leads LAURENCE FISHBURNE and CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
into a nightclub. They are met by BOUNCERS.
BOUNCERS
Hmmm.. The lady in leather can come
in, but you two guys will have to go
party somewhere else tonight.
SING and LAURENCE pull out GUNS and begin shooting the
place up. The BOUNCERS jump onto the ceiling and fire back.
At one point, one BOUNCER seems to empty an entire clip at
LAURENCE while he faces an entirely different direction.
LAURENCE slowly turns and kills the BOUNCER, somehow. One
bouncer faces CARRIE-ANNE head-on. She moves slightly in
random directions, then jumps a tiny bit and punches the
air.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
Shit! It's not working!
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
It's Forward-Forward-Back-Up-X.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
I'm fucking doing that!
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Do it a little slower. Make sure to
press every button.
She moves again, jumps, and punches the air.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
Fuck!
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Try it faster, like all in one big
motion. Hit forward an extra time
first, too.
CARRIE-ANNE jumps into the air using her signature CRANE
special move and kicks the BOUNCER backwards into the wall.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
Yeah! That did it!
They proceed into the club and are met by LAMBERT WILSON.
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
You run a fucking nightclub?
LAMBERT WILSON
Are you kidding? Did you see what
my orgasm cake did to that woman in
the restaurant? I make four hundred
bucks a pill selling E here.
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Well, we're here to get Keanu back.
Give him back to us.
LAMBERT WILSON
Fine. But first, you must kill the
Oracle. That, or fight your way
through my army of candy ravers.
RAVER
Oh my god, it feels soooo good to
rub my hands against my backpack
right now! Hey, does anyone want a
massage?
CARRIE-ANNE grabs a gun and points it at LAMBERT'S HEAD.
LAMBERT WILSON
What do you hope to accomplish?
You're totally outnumbered here.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
Look, I think we've tested the
audience's patience enough already.
Just give us Keanu and let's get on
with the movie.
LAMBERT WILSON
Sacre Bleu!
They get KEANU out of the train station and return to the
REAL WORLD. Meanwhile, KEANU visits MARY ALICE.
MARY ALICE
Hey.
KEANU REEVES
Something's different...
MARY ALICE
Appearance? Voice? Speech
mannerisms? Pretty much everything
about me?
KEANU REEVES
Did you get a haircut?
MARY ALICE
(sighing)
Look, you and Hugo Weaving are
opposites, so he's super powerful
now. You have to destroy him or we
all die.
KEANU REEVES
Fine. But, why didn't you tell me
about all that stuff The Explainer
told me about before, when I first
found out I was The One?
MARY ALICE
Well, did you like Matrix Reloaded?
KEANU REEVES
Not particularly.
MARY ALICE
Did you like the first Matrix?
KEANU REEVES
Yeah, it was awesome.
MARY ALICE
There you go.
INT. A SHIP NOT IN THE MATRIX
KEANU meets back up with everyone in the REAL WORLD.
KEANU REEVES
Hi everyone. I know now what I need
to do. I must travel to the machine
city.
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
What? Why?
KEANU REEVES
Because you guys are fucked. I'm
switching to the winning team,
bitches.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
I'm coming with you.
KEANU REEVES
I love you. I want you to know
though, I probably won't be coming
back, so neither will you.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
Please, you're one crown of thorns
short of being Jesus Christ. I think
everyone has known since the start
of the last movie you're going to
have to sacrifice yourself.
KEANU and CARRIE-ANNE pilot the DOOMED SHIP toward the
machine world, while everyone else travels to the DOOMED
ZION.
INT. A DIFFERENT SHIP, ALSO NOT IN THE MATRIX
KEANU and CARRIE-ANNE are flying the ship when suddenly,
the second act finally kicks in.
IAN BLISS
Hello Mr. Reeves. Do you recognize
me? I'm vacationing in your world.
Would you like to see my
brochyuuuuurrrrrree?
KEANU REEVES
Weaving!
They FIGHT. The fighting in the real world is gritty and
realistic, unlike the elegant, sissy kung-fu everyone liked
the first movie so much for. KEANU wins! Sort of!
Meanwhile..
INT. ZION, NOT IN THE MATRIX
HARRY LENNIX prepares his handful of troops to fight
against the enormous army of sentinels coming. Everyone gets
into their BATTLEMECHS while NATHANIEL LEES gives a
motivational speech.
NATHANIEL LEES
I know many of you are scared
tonight. I also know many of you
wonder why we spent so many
resources recreating Mechwarrior
instead of, perhaps, making EMPs
that could be triggered remotely.
Well I want you all to remember: if
we have to give these bastards our
lives, WE PUT THE SPECIAL EFFECTS
CREW THROUGH HELL BEFORE WE DO!
Everyone cheers. Thousands of computer models fly all around
the screen and there are explosions every so often. The
Sentinels travel single-file and get picked off by the GIANT
CGI ROBOT SUITS.
SENTINELS
Spread out! Travel in different
directions than each other!
The Sentinels begin to easily overtake the rebels.
EXT. MACHINE CITY, BUT NOT THE MATRIX
KEANU and CARRIE-ANNE fly into the city. A hundred sentinels
fly at them, and KEANU blows up all but ten of them with his
mind.
KEANU REEVES
I can't get the last ten. My limit
is ninety. Fly into the sky.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
Whatever.
She does. Her face fills with light as she sees the sun for
the first time in her life.
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
No - no words. No words to describe
it. Poetry! They should've sent a
poet. So beautiful. So beautiful...
I had no idea.
KEANU REEVES
(muttering)
Stupid agent.. blinding me with
electrical wires..
The ship begins falling, into the machine city.
KEANU REEVES
Ahh! Aim for the center of the
city! Pump the igniter!
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
I - I can't! Everywhere I look I
see these giant red dots.. Sometimes
they're kinda greenish or blueish!
KEANU REEVES
No! You looked at the sun too long!
Look at stuff out of the corner of
your eye!
CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
Oh my god, it's so annoying! I
can't look straight at anything
because of these dots! What the
hell?!
KEANU REEVES
Carrie-Anne, concentrate! You have
to look --
SUDDENLY, the ship crashes into the city somewhere. KEANU
walks out and meets with A GIANT MACHINE WITH A FAT FACE
CREATED BY HUNDREDS OF LITTLE FLYING MACHINES.
SILLY-LOOKING MACHINE
What the hell do you want?
KEANU REEVES
I just want this movie to have one
more scene that actually takes place
in the matrix before the trilogy
ends. I will face Hugo Weaving and
we'll beat up on each other.
SILLY-LOOKING MACHINE
Good. There's no way I, as the
machine running this whole show,
could ever just delete Hugo on my
own. I need you to kill him in a
simulated reality, that'll do the
trick.
KEANU jacks in. In Zion, all the machines PAUSE.
EXT. CITY STREET - FINALLY IN THE DAMN MATRIX
KEANU faces HUGO.
HUGO WEAVING
Mr. Reeves, welcome back. Pretty
cool rain, huh? Yeah, I did that.
KEANU REEVES
This ends now. There's no way anyone
would tolerate a fourth movie.
HUGO WEAVING
Oh, I know it ends. I already know
everything that's going to take
place for the next twenty minutes
because I've been watching episodes
of Dragon Ball Z for days.
They fight in mid-air for a while, pounding the hell out of
each other. Eventually, HUGO beats KEANU. KEANU gets back
up.
HUGO WEAVING
Why do you keep fighting? Why? Why?
You know you can't win!
KEANU REEVES
I can't?
HUGO WEAVING
Of course not! Look around you,
you're surrounded by billions of me!
How can you not realize it's
pointless?
KEANU REEVES
(shrugging)
I'm Keanu Reeves, what the hell do
you expect?
HUGO converts KEANU into another HUGO clone.
HUGO WEAVING
I win!
OTHER HUGO WEAVING
Which makes you lose, because any
system must balance itself.
Everything that has a beginning has
an end. Nyah!
All of the HUGO WEAVINGS EXPLODE.
HUGO WEAVING
(exploding)
What? This is bullshit!
AUDIENCE
Seriously.
INT. ZION, NOT IN THE MATRIX
The machines all leave.
HARRY LENNIX
It doesn't make sense.
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
The fact that the machines are
leaving?
HARRY LENNIX
No, this whole ending! I mean,
taken purely as a symbolic film,
where nothing portrayed literally
happens but is merely a metaphor for
various philosophical concepts,
sure. But as a literal film - a
telling of a story - this is insane.
Why couldn't these events have taken
place sooner? Or through entirely
different means altogether?
LAURENCE FISHBURNE
Who cares? The point is we can all
return to the surface now! We can
live in coexistence with the
machines!
JADA PINKETT SMITH
Yeah! And we can slowly rebuild
civilization on the surface, getting
us back to where we were when the
war started.
HARRY LENNIX
Yeah! And we can secretly develop
better weapons for destroying the
machines, which we can eventually
use many years down the line to
completely eradicate all of the
machine world!
EVERYONE ELSE
Yeah! Kill the machines! ZI-ON!
ZI-ON! ZI-ON!
END
........................................................
-Wherever you are, have a nice day-
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